I Wasn’t the Chosen One, and That’s Ok!

It’s feeling like the black sheep or the last person to be picked for a team. The comparison game begins and in your mind, you’re trying to find anything, something to blame. Often times I felt like this in my romantic relationships and friendships. You see why you’re the best choice or how it can be beneficial, yet you’re still not chosen. I think I’ve searched in and out of myself because in my mind things just did not add up. I’ve had thoughts like… “but this person doesn’t ever call or invite you to anything…. and she doesn’t care about what keeps you up at night or the things you’ve seen in your childhood.” I tried to find a way to blame myself and how I was created because of a “failed opportunity”… or simply just not being “the chosen one.”

It’s hard. It sucks. At the moment, all you can really question is, why? Why wasn’t I what they wanted? I’ve learned that nothing can cure that empty gut-wrenching feeling but time. This was the push I needed to explore more of myself and why I want to dedicate every breath I am granted to choosing myself every day. Sometimes I think that our experiences in life present itself to show the areas where we need to love ourselves the most. For me, I had to learn to stop looking for others to choose me and walk as a chosen being. Yes, we all desire to be wanted and we all want to be somebody’s somebody. But have we given all of that to ourselves? 

I wasn’t the chosen one, and that’s ok because I choose Tysheira. I believe that for everything I longed to be chosen for will come my way again and I’ll do the picking. I’ll make sure that I am not left out of love because it’ll be given every day. I’ll make sure that I don’t feel like I didn’t fit into that friendship because I’ll give myself that. Vowing from this day forward that I will not worry about being chosen by people according to their likes and dislikes. Choosing Tysheira and she’ll always be the top choice!

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I’m Ending My Relationship

Nothing about this relationship is worth having, but for some reason it’s been hard to leave. In this relationship I feel useless, overlooked, and insecure. I am constantly walking with trembling legs because I never know what is coming next. This relationship has been abusive mentally and emotionally. I have never in my life felt so debilitated. For some reason it’s all I knew, and I have found some form of comfort in it – it became my identity. I am tired. This relationship has not been serving me well. I have missed out on great things and people. I cannot get my mind off it to focus on my dreams and desires, it’s just time for it to end. No more convincing me to believe that you’re right. I do not want to cuddle up with your presence nor feeling the air you breathe on my neck. I do not want to feel your kisses my forehead as if I’ve been the best you ever had. I’ve made up my mind that you can no longer linger in the precious areas of my life. This is over, I’m through. I am ending my relationship with fear.

What I Learned By Asking for Help

Whew! So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but all that means is that I have tons to write about. Sometimes taking a break helps you to regroup and get clarity on your content. I think we all deserve a break from things even if it’s what we enjoy. Too much of anything isn’t good, right?

Perfect segway into what I wanted to share with you all today. The last two months have been crazy! As usual, I was running around with my cape on being superwoman and one day I just couldn’t keep up with myself. I felt like I didn’t have a handle on any part of my life. For someone that’s type A and organized to the core, this triggered my anxiety and developed a beast! I felt ashamed because I was losing track of all things I once had under control.

One day, oh just one sweet day, I lost it. I gave up the fight. I stopped fighting with myself to have it all together and I called for back up. The thing about being super woman is that you do everything for yourself and others, and it’s hard to see who care and support you because YOU’RE literally in the way. I was just that, and I couldn’t live there long. I finally did it, I stepped down and asked for help.

I was not sure how to go about it because it was all too foreign, but I knew I just couldn’t go on any longer. It started with grad school, I asked for extensions in which the professor was 100% on-board with. I took time off for work, in which my supervisor seen in my eyes it was badly needed. I took a break from blogging because if you are a consistent reader, you know I am transparent and expose a lot. I needed to bring it all in for a second. I literally shut down.

What I learned was that I can still be strong and superwoman slaying and saving lives, but there’s nothing wrong with needing to slow down or asking for help. Why do we shame ourselves or others for needing just that, help? Why are we so afraid or prideful to ask for help? These are some of the questions I took about a month to explore because I was curious as to why I felt too good to ask for it. I hope by reading this you ask yourself the same in return.

As always,

Leave inspired 💕

I Can Apologize Because I’m Humbled

I know we all had our fair share of moments when we did not want to apologize because, let’s be real you wasn’t really trying to let go of your pride. I’m not exempt either and I have to say that there were a lot of things I had to apologize for which humbled the ish out of me.

I won’t use names for the sake of privacy but I’m going to be real like always. This isn’t written because I can’t say these words face to face, but writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me. I usually like to let my pen do the talking since I’m better at written communication anyways.

Here I go….

Sis, I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship because I was bitter. My life was crashing and I watched yours rise to the top – so it seemed. At that time, I couldn’t understand how things flowed for you, but what I can say is that I truly do miss ya. Social media is cool in how it provides people to be connected, yet not really connected. I’m glad to see that it seems you’re doing good, I hope that someday soon we’ll connect in real life. You were always someone I felt could be my best friend forever.

Mr. Muncho Man, I can’t take the blame for everything that went wrong, but I can say that I’m sorry for how I handled things. You loved me and loved me hard, but I wanted you to be something that you weren’t at the time. When I look back now, I’m reminded of how you loved and it was so different from mine. You never wanted to change me, but your focus was elsewhere too. I’m sorry that I hurt you in ways that took you forever to recover. I had my own fears and anxieties and didn’t mean to put them on you. I see you’re doing well and that’s truly all I could ever hope for. Wish you the best with everything.

My faraway love, sheesh, you literally had me living one the love scenes in a movie. It was like everything I wanted right in my face during the most risk taking part of my life. You showed me the beauty of language and being a servant, I thank you for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready and didn’t use the right words to explain how I felt. I hope that you forgive me for leaving without a trace when you needed me the most. I can’t get that time back but I’m thankful for what it provided.

Lady T the most beautiful face I see every morning. I’m sorry girl. I’m sorry that I allowed the wrong people to take advantage of the right things because of low self-esteem and fear of all things unknown. I’m sorry I kept you in places that hurt your heart like chalk screeching on a chalk board. I’m sorry I was not kind to your mind by feeding it negativity because life just seemed so damn dark. I’m sorry I didn’t let you fully explore yourself because of some all American Dream I tried to keep up with. Please be patient with me as I am trying my best to recover, heal, and love better.

How God “checked” Me

I woke up today for prayer at 6:30am, and God knows I really didn’t want to sacrifice my sleep. But I knew that there had been things troubling my spirit and we needed to talk. I got up, called in for prayer and I sat silent. For the past two weeks, I’ve been silent with God. It’s not like me to do that but when it happens I know I stumbled somewhere in my Faith.

Keeping in real, I’ve been frustrated. I look over my life and see that I’ve accomplished so much, yet feel that I had not accomplished much of anything. Some may read this and say, but you have xyz; however, what they don’t know are my deepest desires that I fear of not retrieving. Lately, it has been literally in my face each day – someone having something that I desire to have. I pray day and night about these things and how I can prepare for them. Whether it’s a specific house, man, the right friends, or opportunities,just to name a few.

I grew frustrated because I felt that I deserved those things, even before those who received them. I’ve worked hard- I mean real hard on myself and now I have to sit and watch others have what I want, nah that’s dead lol. God knew my heart, but I was pissed ! After spending time just being mad and disgusted with how my life was going in certain areas, God “checked” me and he did it real good.

Many of you may stop reading at this point because you may not relate or don’t share the same faith as mine, that’s cool but I got an assignment to fulfill.

God checked me with two verses that I discovered while spending time with him this morning. The first scripture is Matthew 10:32 “if anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will openly acknowledge that person before my father in heaven.” God spoke to me two years ago about blogging and he wanted the blog to be about my relationship with him. At first I was all about it, but then I grew weary of not having people to read it and it being a “flop.” I worried about everything and never did what he told me to. This scripture checked me because I’ve done this more times that I can count. I chose to not acknowledge God or my faith in order to have my chance with some guy or to fit in just to have friends, or to have a great chance of some man-made opportunity.

I noticed how lonely I became because I had such a strong relationship with God but kept it in secret.

The second verse that checked me was Galatians 6:7-10, I’m not gonna type it all out, but if you get the chance to read it you’ll see what I mean. As you read earlier, I grew frustrated because I seen others have what I wanted. I thought that by me getting rid of folks and keeping away from certain lifestyles that in a snap of a finger I would have my heart desires. Nahhhhh, it doesn’t happen like that, apparently. I spoke to a friend of mine from college about this and she said something that stayed with me, “do what is right because it’s the right thing to do not because you want to get a prize at the end.”

That literally wrecked me because that’s what was happening. I will do things and then hold my hands out to God and say, “see what I have done, so what do you have for me?” It was getting crazy and I just had to get my mind and spirit together.

So where do I go from here? I’m gonna still walk on this path and keep moving. I’ve gotten distracted along the way and I had to bounce back, but I’m humbled. God coming in to wreck my situation and get me in check is what I needed. Stay tuned because it’s more coming this is just part 1.

Pay Attention

It’s so easy to get distracted. We all have goals and dreams that we want to see, but distraction becomes a road blocker. Recently, I’ve been all into myself. Like REAL into myself. Started paying attention to what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I was attracted to and the list could go on. What I found out was that my taste changed.

I no longer desired the same people or things – I was into some top shelf stuff! I started researching places to travel solo, started forming connections with people in other career interests and hobbies I’d enjoy. When being serviced, I stopped cheating myself and went for quality because I had to keep my investment game strong! I fed into my cravings because they were healthy. I’m not just talking about food, but my cravings for specific conversations, my idea of spontaneous acts and simply just doing what made me feel good.

I realized that most things were not what they seemed. People reneged and fell backwards. Had I been so into any and everything else besides myself I wouldn’t have caught it. Although I explained and express my concerns – individuals still didn’t change. Some experiences weren’t really worth it lol. When I look at things now, I can truly see that I wasn’t focused.

Take time not just after reading this post but everyday to truly pay attention. Stop giving so much of your time to the trends of this world and what’s going happening on social media. Your life is important. Your time is important. The best way to truly learn is to direct your attention to what’s happening inside and around you.

Show Up for Yourself

Recently, I started a 30 day self-care journey on IG. My initial thought was to get others involved and make a movement for self-care. Of course, no one joined me but that didn’t stop me from my vision of showing up for myself. How often do we realize that we are so concerned for the welfare of others but not for ourselves? Maybe you haven’t noticed because you don’t give yourself the time of day.

See I want to change that – not just for others but for myself. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ve seen me discuss my season of transition and isolation. Part of that is because I just need time for myself. I’ve always been what everyone else needed : social worker, therapist, life coach, big sister, shero etc. Truth is I haven’t even showed up this much for myself. I take the blame for that because I had expectations. I thought that if I held my heart out in my hands that others would see and give the same in return.

Not that I did those things for recognition but I forgot that others don’t have the same heart as I do. When you are used to wearing many hats it’s hard to pull away. It was necessary because I haven’t been front and center at attention in my own life. Why do we feel so guilty for taking care of ourselves? Some think it’s selfish and that it’s always a negative thing. What would it take to show up for yourself?

Don’t let the misuse of others push you to do that when you can began today to make it a habit. See that’s what happened to me. I allowed people to take what they needed without demanding a return on my investment. Please learn from my mistake. Value and honor yourself because you are worth so much. If you want to start a journey to self-care and don’t know how, think of ways you can show up for yourself each day.